Blog 14: STAY.

The world is a better place with you in it. I’ll say it time and time again because it’s true, you’re meant to be here. Yes, it gets better. Yes, it starts hurting less. Eventually, you move on. Trust me when I tell you that these are not empty words. It took a lot for me to be able to say them without getting that bitter, bleak taste of fabrications on my tongue. But I'm finally here. Breathing, living, existing in this strange, new reality in which I'm stronger than everything that attempted to break me. Where good memories will always outweigh the bad. And all that had the power to ruin me have simply become benign. I know what it feels like to constantly think about lying face down in a stream somewhere, reflecting on all the different ways to end this empty sort of aching. I hope you know that even though it feels as though you can’t ever seem to get this life right, you can. And you will. You will get there. Give yourself some time. I used to try to forgive myself for being here, whatever that means. I couldn’t stand to talk about it. The grief, heavy and loud, sitting on my chest each night. I hadn’t been happy long enough to know what it truly felt like. And every time I felt even an ounce of joy, I knew it was only a moment. A deliberately curated moment, crafted to be consumed but not to last. I knew that I wasn’t going to continue to feel that bliss forever, eventually it would be over. Eventually it would turn back to drabness. It's important to recognize bliss for what it is. Prerequisites are not required for joy. Peace exists in a fleeing moment. It is not a new constant, and it is not anticipating your arrival. Acknowledge your anguish for what it is. For, like contempt, it is continuously passing through. Anger is not brewing within you, waiting to be released. It consumes and depletes you, as you should allow your pleasure. Everything you feel is temporary, whether it’s good or bad. No feelings last forever. The pain will subside. I know that, as of right now, everything has become a habit that you feel as though you have to maintain. One step at a time, one day at a time. You breathe and exist- but you don't live. And that’s okay. It’s okay to take it slow. It’s okay to rest. It’s okay to do whatever you need to do in order to get back to your happiest self. It may take months, it may take years, but I can assure you- NONE OF THESE FEELINGS LAST FOREVER. And I need you to stay. Stay because you’re loved, even when you feel unloveable. Stay because you are more than your bad thoughts. You are not and will never be alone, no matter how much you feel it. The necessary beauty in life is in giving yourself to it completely, let yourself feel and pour yourself into your life. Everything will resolve itself and work out in the end. You’re doing more than enough, value yourself for simply being. You will make it. I love you and I’m here.